Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
