Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
