70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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