I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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