Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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