The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
