How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
