haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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