i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
