I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
