I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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