I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
