Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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