Swine flu is the new snow day.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
