Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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