haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
