She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
