yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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