Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So much rum. So many feels.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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