Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
