you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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