I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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