The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
