guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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