Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
