the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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