I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
