I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
