I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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