i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Someone came in the potted fern
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
