tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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