it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
