she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
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I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
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I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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