everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
