Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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