if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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