I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
