found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
