if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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