8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I can text with my tongue
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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