my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
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Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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