i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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