After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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