Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
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I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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