If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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