this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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