I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
