the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
