What did we do last night that was yellow?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
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I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
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