I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
