At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
