I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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