How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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