Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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