I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
